DERRERO are Ash, Andy, and Dave. They live in Newport and Cardiff

Can I just make a small point - we were extremely pissed when we interviewed Derrero. You won't get the benefit of this because you can't hear the tape, but as they say, "forewarne and forearmed". Here goes...

Ceri Collier, earlier in this issue, described Derrero as "three strange geezers". Let us be among the first to assure you that this is most certainly true. They're fucking mental. Here's what they've got to say for themselves:

"No, we're no mad, it's not true. We're very sensible. We are, aren't we?" - Andy (the most mad one.)

Just how far does this sensibility go?

Andy: "We make our own beds, we don't drink much [please don't believe this], drugs are out of the question completely. We're not wacky - why do you say that? Just because we scream now and then in a song."

Not wacky - good point. So you met up in art college?

Ash: "Yes, in Falmouth. We're all failed fine artists! We all went to college in the same year and played in bands down there, then moved to Wales."

Why did you move to Wales?

"The myth is that we went to Wales to follow the scene, but we didn't know there was a scene until we got there.!

You were described in Melody Maker as sounding like Squeeze. What do you think of that?

"They're one of our influences!"

You've got a drummer who sings! The last band I saw who did that were Snuff!

"China Drum did t as well.Also Husker Du and Phil Collins!"

If you're not like Squeeze, WHO are you like?

"We've got a lot of influences, but it's hard to say who we're like. I dunno. Someone said we sound like Big Star, an American 60's band.

The band claim to be 16 and 18. Bollocks! They later claim that age is irrelivant, although admit being 25 and 26. They're right - it's completely irrelivant, so let's move on.

You recently signed to Big Noise, didn't you?

"I haven't signed anything! Big Noise are putting the album out, then someone will come along offering more money, hopefully!"

Then what do you fancy doing?

Andy: "What, right now? I fancy a full-on Mexican meal with Tequilas! So you're into high heels then? [pointing at our platform shoes]. Why is that?"

Because really we're midgets. God made us do it.

Andy: "Stand upand let's have a look! Eurgh, they smell, man! Hey, look, they're taking off their shoes! Look how short they are - you're outcasts from society!"

So, without shoes we're short. However, what you may not know is if you walk barefoot in the rain you have an orgasm. Well, we do anyway.

"I'll have to remember that!"

So, what weird things make you lot orgasm then?

Dave: "Playing murder in the dark!"

Andy: "Having my toes sucked by a woman wearing high heels!"

Where did the name Derrero come from?

Andy: "It's just a word."

What are your ambitions?

"All we want to do is eat some lentils and have a good time., a couple of trips to find ourselves. Lentil trips obviouslt, because as we said earlier, we don't do drugs."

A large spider walks across the floor. Andy decides to interview it.

"So, what do you think of the Welsh scene, man?"

Surprisingly, the spider declines to comment.

Andy: "If spiders could talk, they'd scrape their legs together and pour out wisdom beyond belief. They've got a lot going for them - some of them have highly poisonous venoms and they have eight legs. My landlord's got a tarantula. They don't do much as pets - you can't cuddle them - all they do is shed their skins every now and then."

What are you doing this year?

Dave: "I think we might be doing something for the Big Noise festival in Cardiff."

Ash: "On a floating stage, like Jean-Michael Jarre."

Andy: "When the album comes out we'll be doing a bit of touring."

The interview ends with us teaching Dave a few words of Welsh.

Us: "There's two ways of saying 'hello'. One is 'helo' and the other is 'hylo'! Or you could even say 'shw mae'! Now speak to us in Welsh!"

Dave: "Helo! Hylo! Shw mae! Fucking hell, I feel like a parrot!"

Our quest over, we go, as suggested, to hit the bar. Know what? It bloody hurt!

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